All of my life I have wanted to be ahead of the curve...always striving to do it first and be the best. I taught myself how to write in cursive well before my peers because I wanted to. This ambition has led me to where I am today but wanting to be the best has also been a major hindrance to me as a person. It is not only that I want to be the best at things it is that I think less of myself and beat myself up about not being perfect. And the thought of someone actually knowing that I am not perfect scares the daylights out of me. Now I'm sure you are saying, "Come on no one is perfect" but for me it was always to give the appearance that I always had it together.
Throughout my life I have wanted to keep that "together" appearance and it still drives me now. The problem is that the worse life gets, the harder I would work at the appearance of super woman. Through all life's trials, even devastating ones, I strove to look like nothing was wrong. The result has been very isolating because I never asked for help or gave the impression that I needed it. I have pushed friends away because if they got close enough they would see what a disaster I was! One time in college I went to a counselor for anxiety and by the end of the session she was asking me why I even came because it didn't appear that anything was wrong.
I am not perfect....I forget to do things....I eat things I'm not supposed to....I let my daughter watch Elmo when I'm feeling tired....She isn't bilingual even though I am....I forget birthdays and to send cards when I should....I leave the laundry in the dryer for days...I snap at my hubby when he doesn't deserve it...I spend many days of my life thinking I am a colossal failure...I am not perfect.
This year one of my resolutions is to learn to love me....This is my first step to doing that. I am going to strive to give myself the grace that has been given to me....I am going to realize that the Lord doesn't not send me through trials so that I can hide them from the world. I need to reach out and ask for support. More importantly I need to give myself the grace to not be perfect....because WHO IS???
So looking at my resolutions if I don't make 1000 miles, or on Dec. 31st the scale isn't where I want it to be I will not have failed. However if I haven't taught myself to embrace imperfection I will have failed myself and my family. Thanks for reading and I apologize for the randomness but I just really felt called to sharing this and my struggle. I pray that 2011 will be the year of grace!
Praying that you find that Grace within yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you posted because I think you'll find that many others tend to have the same thoughts and feelings.
ReplyDeleteWow, you've got such a great point. I pray for Grace for others (and how I deal with others...) so much. I never think to ask for it with myself. Echo your thoughts for 2011 being a year of Grace!
ReplyDeleteLove this post and praying the you find grace this year and always! I'll be praying for it (for me), too!
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of runners might be type a..we have this constant need to drive ourselves. i think you have taken the first step by realizing this! :) i started this process last year and my stress levels have dropped tremendously
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to get caught up in constantly measuring ourselves by someone else's ability or standard. Finding peace within ourselves, and being content in life, is not always easy to do. Great thought provoking post! :)
ReplyDeleteI hear you... I have similar issues and get stressed out a lot especially at work. A few months back I start having sleep issues and I have a really hard time to relax. I start seeing a therapist in order to get a better work/life balance. It helps but it's a long way!
ReplyDeleteGrace...allow yourself to be at peace within. Find your balance and give yourself permission to say....I'm not perfect...I do the best I can...and I can love myself. As you get older, (as I am learning) you will be able to let go of that feeling of perfection. It's also learning to say "no" without feeling guilty. Those are part of life's lessons. Remember: each one of us run our own race, and yet, as women, we're all in it together. That's sisterhood:)
ReplyDeletenancy-you are one of my favorite people-and not just because you are my sister :) You are the first person to be there when someone needs something, first to offer support, last one to leave. You offer grace to everyone around you and are an amazing woman-not because of what you have or have not accomplished, but because that is how God made you. I know that at this point next year, you will be looking at yourself differently-love you!
ReplyDeletei love your posts and share your feelings, i am new to blogging and follow your blog daily. i have nominated you for the stylish blogger award, check it out on my blog;)
ReplyDelete