Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Refections on Loss

I write this post more to walk through my feelings...give a glimpse into my life beyond the sweat and family.  I have not posted anything about this on social media more because I didn't know how I felt really and I, as always, want to stay respectful.  No I am not posting about the will never see me post here on that, sorry.  I'm reflecting today on loss...

Today we bury my grandfather.  My father's father passed away last week at the age of 95.
Without being disrespectful to my family, I can safely describe my relationship with my grandfather as acquaintance.  We saw him as children when we went to my grandparents house to visit or at Christmas and family functions, but aside from that we didn't really know each other.  We lived in the next town over, and considering we lived on an island that was about 37 miles long total for 3 towns, we didn't see him much.  One of the things that I have noticed about myself is that if I see someone or a situation as one that is going to cause conflict, I stay far away from it.  This could explain why as an adult I have had even less contact with my grandfather.  For a large part of my life I sat back and watched...watched how he interacted with my cousins and even more with my sister.  I heard his words to my sister and, whether consciously or not, I stayed clear.  I said what he wanted to hear and did very little to draw attention to myself.  As an adult, the time that I have seen my grandfather could possibly be counted on one hand.  He has only met our children once or twice and would probably never would have known who they were void of myself.  I don't say any of this to disrespect my grandfather in any way....just being honest.  He was an old-school, hard-working Portuguese man...he raised his sons probably in a very similar way that he himself was raised...and didn't think to break that cycle.

When I heard the news that my grandfather had passed away, it caught me by surprised that my first emotion was sadness.  I had reflected before about how I would feel and never thought it would catch me the way it did.  I think a large part of that was sadness for my own father.  I was sad for him to have lost his father.  The more I thought about it though I think part of me was sad for the relationship we never had...and now never will.  I look at my children and how much they know and love their much their grandparents have invested purposefully in their going to their houses is like an extension of their own they look forward to seeing them...and just how deep that love goes on both sides.  I also think about my children's great-grandparents...about our youngest asking just about every day to go to Mimi's house...about how our world and their world will be rocked that day she goes to meet Jesus...about how loved I felt by my husband's grandfather and how heartbroken I felt after he passed.  I think about all that love...all that support...all those prayers raised for our children each day...about the relationships there that exists.  And it makes me sad...for me but also for him. 

On this day I may find myself caught again feeling sad...mourning.  But I am comforted to know that our girls bring light to their grandparents faces...that they are blessed by their love!  I am thankful for grandparents who choose to pour their love over their grandchildren. 


  1. As a caregiver, i see too often family members who don't visit their loved ones in the nursing home and it is really sad. Its as if that family member is already gone, erased from their busy lives. But at the same time it is situational. If you never had the relationship to begin with, then its somewhat easier to keep the distance. Use his death as a lesson. Maybe because you feel sad that you never had a real relationship with him, you can start getting closer to other members of your family. Time is very precious and should not be wasted on what ifs. I am very sorry for your loss.

  2. I'm sorry for your loss! No matter your relationship, he was your grandfather. I can relate somewhat to that relationship as my grandfather wasn't the best when I was growing up but, he engaged more with me after my mother (his daughter) died. He is fiercely religious and we have clashed over that topic SO many times but we talk it though so I guess that's good. He comes to my boys birthday parties and we see him at holidays but otherwise, he's not really a factor in our lives. It's sad because my kids have such an amazing relationship with my dad and stepmom and I know it will be a life long one filled with so much greatness. It makes me sad I didn't have the same. Sorry to ramble but I guess I wanted you to know you're not alone. I hope today you are surrounded by love! xoxo